The Chaos Within: When Your Strengths Create Your Struggles

The window creaks open, the sound of the forest creeping in before the morning light glances over the ridge.

This moment is among my favorites in life. Meeting my creative work in the dim glow of my office while the forest comes to life. I am by most accounts a truly methodical creature. Up and at work around 5 a.m., I get more done by 9 than most do in a workday. I am a pillar of time management.

Then it hits me:

“Due May 1.”

So read the court-sent letter I frantically recall and relocate.

I got a pretty hefty speeding ticket six months ago while rushing to an emergency of all things, but I worked quite hard and secured a reduction.

Through that entire process, I was on top of it. But after receiving my reduction, I dropped the ball.

The Contradiction of Self

Here I am, holding the late-payment form, potentially negating all that hard work and negotiation — and worse, leaving me to remember (not so comfortably) that I might just be full of my own crap.

I mean, after all, who can celebrate structure and responsibility while simultaneously forgetting to pay a simple fine they worked so hard for?

This guy, that's who, and I can because I am human.

The truth is both can coexist. You can be both structured and methodical in some ways and yet totally irresponsible in other areas.

The question isn't how to fix it; the question is why it's a problem.

The Subconscious Saboteur

In my situation, this is not a unique occurrence. The truth is — based on the facts and patterns — I most certainly did this on purpose. Forgetting to pay this fine was totally subconscious, of course, but intentional nonetheless. I have no idea why I would do it, or why my subconscious thinks it's the necessary thing to do. Which is why things like this keep happening.

I, like many of my clients, have things I would like to resolve and have tried with no avail to mask or mute by creating better systems and processes or learning new skills. Which, as you can see, has had no luck.

You are probably reading this and both resonating with it and disagreeing. You likely have a behavior pattern in life that you are aware of but don’t want to believe it's your own doing. After all, why would I intentionally not pay a fine?

I'll tell you why — or at least, some of my suspicions why. Maybe you can relate.

The Comfort of Chaos

I thrive in chaos. That's why.

For as long as I can remember, my life has been chaotic (at least as it contrasts with my ability to cope), starting as a child and continuing into adulthood (hello entrepreneurialism). But despite that chaos, I have managed to beat most of the odds, carving out a pretty great life.

You see, I didn't succeed in spite of my odds; I succeeded because of those odds. Because of the situation, I learned to respond. I developed defense mechanisms, or what I call protectors, for situations of chaos. They served me quite well. Getting me to here, mostly. The trouble is, they won't likely get me to there. As we are noticing.

My subconscious, like yours, does not look for opportunity. It looks for familiarity and consistency.

It’s a great system when things are bad, helping me easily spot the escape route.

But when things are good? Cue wild behavior. “Good” is unfamiliar; an unknown opportunity state. My default-mode network prefers entropy so it can be efficient. I, like many of my clients, will nuke good times to create chaos.

Because to my supercomputer, my subconscious, my chances of survival are better in chaos than they are in nirvana.

The Path to Resolution

So what do you do with it? If I have all this awareness, why don't I change?

Well, at this point, I have only suspicion. I still have more to explore. And that's how behaviors change. Most people will go to great ends to ignore, overlook, or bury behaviors, trying to outrun them. But unresolved behaviors don't simply fall off; they tend to amplify until they become unavoidable.

Take money, for example. Most have a romantic inclination that if they just get more of it, the problems they have because of it will go away. But money is an amplifier. The more you acquire, the more it will amplify your behaviors, good or bad. The same is true of success, love, kids, etc.

The reason I can have so much good and still retain some bad is because I have so much good it now highlights the bad. Nudging me to pay attention to it and resolve it — or risk letting it amplify and create much worse self-sabotage.

Armed first with awareness, I have to go back to empathize with how (and why)I learned this bad behavior. When I can discover that, I can resolve it. Until then, I have to be reminded of it — like I am with this painfully annoying mistake.

The good news is that while I explore this pattern and more like it, I can still double down on what I have learned that's more positive. Spending more time with my strengths and only the necessary times with my weaknesses almost ensures that after enough time, all will be OK. The same is true of you. We all have quirks; that's not what is wrong with us; they’re what make us human. The first step is to shine the light on them, not keep them in the dark.

Embracing Your Paradox

Do you recognize your own self-sabotaging patterns? The moments when you seem to intentionally derail your progress just as everything is going well? You're not alone, and more importantly — you're not broken.

At Paradigm Collective, we specialize in helping high-achievers understand the roots of their subconscious behaviors. Our work isn't about creating more systems to mask the symptoms; it's about illuminating the underlying patterns that both drive your success and occasionally undermine it.

Ready to shine a light on your chaos patterns? Our "Productive Paradox" coaching program helps you identify how your greatest strengths may be creating your most persistent struggles — and how to resolve these contradictions without losing the edge that made you successful in the first place.

Discover Your Productive Paradox →