The Crowded Bed: Finding Freedom From Digital Distraction
The cold feeling of disconnection does not mix well with the comfort of the bedding. Yet the scenario plays out again: Two people, less than a foot apart, yet miles from each other.
It’s not a bedtime argument — it’s far more insidious. He checks his email to “close out the day”; she “decompresses” by scrolling social media.
In today's day and age, two people don't share a bed. Most get in bed with thousands.
Let's rewind.
The Bedroom of Yesterday
The time was 1994.
The bedroom had all the usual accoutrements. Big bed, walk-in closet, master bathroom, great lighting. No television — back then, that monolith of an entertainment box lived in the living room only — and no nightstand crowded with devices on their chargers. Just the dim light of the latest trendy digital alarm clock.
And when two people went to bed, they left the rest of the world behind. Stripped of distraction, they had only each other. No checking the group thread or checking in with the masses. No correspondence that couldn’t wait until morning.
In many ways, life has gotten inconceivably better since those times. Technology has brought forth efficiency and convenience that could only have been dreamt of in that bedroom. But, what it also came with is a responsibility for intention. Because what tech really brought was an onslaught of distraction — eckoning for you at every turn.
The Invisible Crowd
This story plays out unnoticed night after night by so many people. I'm not here to discuss the quality and validity of your personal relationship at this point. However, it's been my experience that the most frustrated partners at home have some of the most distracted patterns and routines at home.
This pattern, or problem, is not just an issue in relationships and bedrooms. It plays out at breakfast tables, boardrooms, and ball fields. Our hyper-connection to the outside world comes at the cost of our connection to our present world. And this is a tax we pay in spades — over and over, till most become bankrupt. Bankrupt on attention.
The Freedom Metric
In my work, freedom is the metric of success, and although it's a buzzword of today's era, it's easily quantifiable: It's the ability to be where you are at — with Time, Money, Purpose, Health, and Relationships (the Five Freedoms). Because the opposite of freedom is suffering, the definition of which is "wanting that which is otherwise."
In today's world, we are spoon-fed — if not fire-hosed — desires.
Every log-in, app-open, and screen-on serves us a treasure trove of dings, dongs, vibrations, and ideas. As we lie in bed, we scroll through copious half-naked women with features and desires our wives don't have — but they’re not the mother to your children, the constant at your side, the balance to your chaos.
Still, desire persists.
We scroll houses — larger, newer, fancier, techier, — but they aren't homes filled with memories you’ve created.
Yet, desire persists.
We see competitors beating us in business but not the leagues standing loyally behind ours. We see clothes and jobs and trips and cars and laughter and joy, and all these things we desire while ignoring our own chance at appreciation.
The Suffering Contract
The human condition is one defined as suffering, according to Carl Jung. And Buddha said that all spirituality is the relief of suffering. This is a dichotomy as old as time. It's one that has both defined our species and also caused much pain.
Generative drive — what Dr. Paul Conti describes as the psychological desire to create and contribute meaningfully to the world — is a good thing. Envy and self-loathing are not. These are the byproducts of misalignment, as he puts it, in which the aggressive and pleasure drives move out of balance. Generative drive is the work that has moved humanity forward. It's how we have computers in our hands. But it's also how we end up on the back side of desire — or, as Naval Ravikant describes it, a contract we make with ourselves to suffer until we get what we want.
Well-placed desire moves mountains. Ill-placed desire places mountains on top of you.
It's human nature to window shop a world of desires. But it's those who know how to filter for a good selection that achieve true happiness. Desires are plentiful in every category. How you decide which is a contract worth making with yourself is the question.
Traction vs. Distraction
This filter is one of distraction vs. traction.
Most of us chase desires as a distraction from our own situations. Bigger boobs, better bodies, bigger boardrooms, more bedrooms, better beaches, etc.
However, those who are a bit more enlightened browse potential desires through a rubric of sorts — one with which they can select well-informed desires. This rubric is that of freedom.
When someone has gotten clear on what they want in life, and in each category of freedom, they start to see the cornucopia of desires as the distractions that they are. Those houses and bodies and beaches are irrelevant to them because they never desired them in the first place. However, for those who have not defined these freedoms and futures, each of these desires pops up as a newly formed distraction — and suffering emerges.
Before you go to bed tonight and bring the whole world with you, consider first whether your whole world isn't already right next to you.
Everything you have today is something you likely dreamed of in the past. Stay in the gain and out of the gap. And don't be surprised when you’re exhausted because you’ve collected enough desires to keep you distracted.
Life gets real cold when you connect with desire instead of your own life. Be where you are, or risk suffering desiring that which is otherwise.
Reclaim Your Connection
Are you ready to move from digital distraction to intentional connection? At Paradigm Collective, we help high-performers transform their relationship with technology to enhance rather than replace meaningful human connection.
Our "Digital Intention" framework doesn't ask you to abandon technology — it helps you subordinate it to your deeper values. Through our guided process, you'll create personalized boundaries that protect your most important relationships while still leveraging the benefits of our connected world.
Ready to be fully present with what matters most? Schedule a Digital Boundaries Assessment where we'll help you identify your current attention patterns and develop a customized strategy for reclaiming your focus for the relationships and work that truly matter.